By Rebekah Boyle
I’ve always ventured into my dance performances with a heightened sense of awareness of the space…Like a cat on a night prowl…. Stepping out of my comfort zone and entering a circle of people, with very little clothing and total surrender to my movement, I always freestyle my performances because; low key, I am not an entertainer…even though what I do is playful and entertaining. I see myself as an artist and my dance as a shamanic channeling and an interpretation of the energy in a room. My dance is a healing experience for both myself and the witnesses, which is why I only perform in situations where I feel very positive to share myself in this way.
After years of performing and dancing, I found myself in a situation where, it was my ego dancing and not I, The "I" that is my consciousness, the me behind the "Me" ( haha, if you know what I mean) ... Technically I was going through the motions of my usual antics…But something felt completely different after the dance...The sensation of catharsis, a feeling of an energy transfusion which normally rippled though the space...a magical feeling, so powerful and satisfying...was replaced by a feeling of having sucked peoples attention to myself. People witnessing the dance became voyeurs and not participants, I had “put on a show”. I sat with this feeling for months, cringing every time I thought about it. I wondered if I had intrinsically outgrown the performance aspect of my gift of dance. One day scrolling through instagram, I saw the post pictured at the head of this entry, reading the words;
“ Forget the dancer, become the dance, this is meditation”
I recognized instantly what had happened…I made the dance all about me!
Looking back, the situation was ripe for a lesson to be learned, the circumstance around it was that I had just recently met the love of my life and this was the first performance he would be attending. I was simultaneously fearful that I would be terrible and also thinking I was going to be epic…I was in a state of anxiety. Then the technical difficulties began, my song kept starting then stopping, to the point of the performance being delayed by 30 min, I had to select another song on the fly (After scouring the earth to find the best song EVER to dance for my beloved to) needless to say, the vibe was brought way down for me, I felt so awkward about myself. The awkwardness taught me an important lesson though about respecting my gift, it sent me down the rabbit hole of understanding the difference between “performing” and channeling….Dancing and being danced by the divine. Up to now, I had just felt it, danced it, trusted the mystery!
This experience both humbled me, and brought a much deeper understanding, not only intellectually, but experientially, the real power of flow. Although it is positive to have confidence and believe in and appreciate yourself…. You must also be able to get out of your own way to be the most beautiful and magnetic self. It’s when you’re not looking at yourself or trying to project “your best self” , that you actually become your best self. Now when I am dancing for people, if I feel myself drop out of meditative flow, I whisper to myself “be the dance” and like magic, I am back in my flow, a constant process of surrendering.